what happens when i close my eyes?
i used to have many dreams. paralyzingly so. when i was a kid i would have visions of spiders crawling up the walls after my dad would kill the lone one in my room, followed by a slideshow of more spiders that flashed everytime i closed my eyes. or the green sleep paralysis beetle that would sit on my chest when i was on my back. or the ghost in the hallway. there would be reoccuring dreams. i remember some of them but not many id like to share. i keep them close to my heart, like the ephemera of childhood, i lock them away.
when i used to get really good sleep, i wouldnt dream at all... i would be at peace, it was like a little death. i'd fully relax into the mattress, pull the duvet up past my ears, hold my bear close to my chest under an avalanche of blankets. o, how i miss those winters. fully rested... but when i did dream, it would be of my own architecture. id construct dreams of a future life, or of relationships, or situations, but it would be my conduction. i felt that i could control my surroundings if i could create a world in my head i could live freely in. i libereated myself so i could manage the world around me. like i was glueing together the shattered peices of the world falling down around me to a mini version in my head.
after followed the worst ones, the prophetic dreams. i would dream horrors that i couldnt understand, but they predicted real events in my life. for a long time i was scared, that all this would happen. the three prophecies. what followed got weirder. i stopped dreaming entirely, but when i did it opened a subconcious yet freudian can of worms. the worst nights ended with waking up at 4am with vertigo and an immediate vomit after trying to sit up. but that hell only lasted a month. i still dont dream during the night.
during the day, i dream. i am day dreaming of a house, far in the forest. day dreaming of a life on stage. day dreaming of a loving hand holding my face. to me, dreaming defines itself vaguely into two catagories; the ones that come forcefully that you cant control that show you the things inside of you that you could never touch or dont want to, or the ones that you invite into your mind to take a moment away from the current day to indulge in things you would like to foster inside of you.
this is a record of all of those dreams. this is my ode to you.