i don't remember much:
...
for the last few nights i have remembered weird things from my childhood.
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on one occasion when i was a child, i had sleep paralysis. i was very small; my feet did not quite reach the end of the bed yet. i still had light yellow walls and laura ashley deer curtains... i remember laying on my back looking upwards, not towards the ceiling but towards the end of the bed, fully covered by the duvet... and a big green beetle (round + pincered). i think it was drooling on me. its black haid was pincering in my face and it had no antennas and i screamed as loudly as i could because i could not move away... one of my parents came in and comforted me. apparently the scream wasn't in my dream, and neither was the beetle.
in another memory i had seen two or three large spiders crawling about the house and the more i saw the less my mother would listen to me. she would deny i had seen anything because the first one i saw was clearly on my mind. the spiders were all conspiring against me too... one crawled under the bath as soon as i pointed it our then re-emerged later. that night i couldnt sleep in my room; i filled out more of the bed now. there was a spider on my wall and i screamed. i had to sleep in my parents bed that night, right between them. when the bedside lamp was on and when i looked up on the walls i saw hundreds of spiders crawling everywhere but they looked like stock images, like a set of childrens stickers. when i closed my eyes i saw documentary clips of upclose spiders. i was terrified. i don't remember when i fell asleep but that was the last time i slept on my back.
i have snippets of memories sometimes that are just a short clip of me playing at a certain location, now i remember them sporadically in my head. there is one of a playground i wanted to go back to that was placed in a little clearing in the woods by a main road, another where i am in someones leafy garden, another i am on the train or in a cafe with my dad. most of the time i don't know where i am but i can see the light, but every detail is affected by a gaussian blur... sometimes i revisit the location whether i know it or not, and i am hit by a thousand pictures of me there before. i am like mulder in the feild where i died... in most memories i am spending time with my dad.
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the future is now,
escher's jUlia xox